Personal essays

Internal patterns

Reflections on bipolar disorder and my own bipolar patterns.

From the book: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13542990-marbles

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Some writing about my own "bipolar" thinking, feeling, being. Manic depression/bipolar patterns run through my family and sometimes it feels like it runs through me. Diagnosed Bipolar, however, can be and is incredibly serious, difficult and takes many lives. I'm probably on the mild end of the spectrum, thankfully. I'm trying to understand. To me, this is all new. Inspired by Stephen Fry, Ellen Forney, Tristan Miller, and Ali from the Psych Show.

It's slow. And flat. For a time the internal wind has stopped blowing. As the wind goes so too does the direction. Which way to go?

It's fast. And connected. Ideas, people, the future. A rush! For a time the wind blows strong. It has a life of its own; the direction is obvious, forward.

It's slow. Head down. Eye contact is painful. A shadow looms. Everything feels extra sensitive. Music.

It's fast. Head up. Eyes are engaged. The sun shines. Everything feels purposeful. Music.

It's slow. Sleep. Tired. Eyes are heavy.

It's fast. No sleep. Energy. Eyes are engaged.

Conversations are work. Work is consternation. Consternation is default. Heavy.

Conversations work. Work is flow. Flow is beautiful. Breezy.

I see no changes. Stuck in the mud; that mediocre mud.

I see, feel, and make changes. No man ever stepped in the same river twice - for it is not the same river, and he is not the same man.

Balance. Where is that internal balance?

Learning to live with the lows. Learning to notice the highs.

Breathe. And again.

Learn to move forward when its low. And learn to take the highs slower.

Too many activities and goals are set when its fast; these are impossible mountains when its slow.

Its slow. Which way to go? To nature. To friends. To work. To study. Go anywhere. Anywhere is better than nowhere.

To be in the middle of nowhere is OK for a time. But no one person is an island. Islands get lonely, fast. Connection is hard at first. It's better than the island.

A small wind returns. Things move.

Observing the patterns. This seems silly at first. Am I making them up? The patterns seem to be real; getting to know them makes sense.

Living with downs. Living with ups. Many others live like this. Many others have it worse. There are others out there who experience this. Who experience deeper extremes. And yet.

Everyone has downs and ups. What makes mine different? Are they? Too soon to answer. A lifetime to discover this.

It feels like winds of change effect me out of nowhere, for no obvious reason. Reason is, and ought only be, the slave of the passions. Damn passions! Powerful passions.

Gratitude for what I have- people and things. Doing things. Talking to people. Use reason to guide the passions, for they seriously need guiding.

Don't overreact to the down. Don't be ruled. It is more difficult to rule oneself than to rule a city. Perhaps. Probably. Trying regardless.

Trying to create external patterns of balance. Predictable sleep, exercise, working hours. Recognising these will probably help.

Looking forward to the journey - internal and otherwise. Music. Forward. Something over nothing. Step by step. Reading. Speaking. Writing. Yes, good! Ah, sweet.

Onwards! To somewhere!